Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 2 bottles wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit
Zest of a lemon.

Method.
Pre-heat the oven to 180 celcius gas mark 4

Sample the wine to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add cup of sugar. Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK.
Try another cup... Just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit....or two if you're seeing double...

Pick the bleedin fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something..Anything white will do.....
Check the wine.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or Whatever you can find.... Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Check the wine is still OK..

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the wine and wipe worrktop with the cat....
Take a taxi to the supermarket and buy cake.