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#1 Wed 02 May 07 7:34pm

abdullahcohn

Forum champ
Occupation Occupied
From My House
Member since Fri 11 Nov 05

Notice of Revocation of Independence

Notice of Revocation of Independence

Those crazy Brits!

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents -- Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires, e.g., Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hot dogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.


John Cleese
_______________________ ___________ ___________


I have my own complaints: Basket Ball! Isn’t that a copy of a girl’s game called netball?
Some people claim that netball is derived from Basket ball. But I prefer to believe that all those tall males are playing a girls game!
I bet there is an ancient girl’s game in Europe that involves girls placing a ball in to a basket?
And just like Rugby and Rounders, they copied it, simplified it and renamed it claiming it as their own!

And hot dog, is there any dog in it? No, it’s a lie! I think they should either make the things out of pure dog meat, or rename them according to what they contain: “All the greasy bits left on the machines in meat plants together with ligaments, eye balls guts and all the other nasty bits squeezed in to lower intestines and served in a long bun”.

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#2 Wed 02 May 07 8:05pm

SonomaEddie

Forum super champ
Occupation Chief cook and bottle washer
From Northern California
Member since Sat 10 Feb 07

Re: Notice of Revocation of Independence

I'm sure many of us would be very glad to oblige except for the fact that here in the San Francisco Bay Area, we already have too many old queens who want to be in charge of things.

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#3 Wed 02 May 07 8:08pm

abdullahcohn

Forum champ
Occupation Occupied
From My House
Member since Fri 11 Nov 05

Re: Notice of Revocation of Independence

lol

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#4 Wed 02 May 07 8:09pm

abdullahcohn

Forum champ
Occupation Occupied
From My House
Member since Fri 11 Nov 05

Re: Notice of Revocation of Independence

That was good a good one, anyway if you need an extra one you can have ours!  lol

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#5 Wed 02 May 07 9:04pm

confuzed

Member
From Shanghai ;-)
Member since Thu 07 Apr 05

Re: Notice of Revocation of Independence

Hilarious!!!  lol

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#6 Thu 03 May 07 12:50am

Anna

Forum champ
From Switzerland
Member since Fri 15 Apr 05

Re: Notice of Revocation of Independence

Only one bone of contention:  this was not in fact written by John Cleese, that's an urban legend that became attached to the original 'Revocation'.  Apart from that, teehee!

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#7 Fri 04 May 07 12:11am

Ashen

Forum champ
Occupation Why is the Rum always gone???!
From out to lunch
Member since Sat 07 Jan 06

Re: Notice of Revocation of Independence

I am not sure i want to admit this but Basketball was created by a Canadian.. Dr. James Naismith.  In our defence he was living and working in the USA when he did it.  whistle


Only a fool argues with a skunk, a mule or a cook.  { cowboy saying}
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#8 Mon 07 May 07 9:38am

mrs.arellano

Member
Member since Tue 22 Jun 04

Re: Notice of Revocation of Independence

How very kind to draw up a notice.  I thought the British government would have felt more comfortable being coddled and wooed into bending to the dim political pressure of the US.  Good to see someone is able to establish a plan for the rest of us to piss on.

As for number 11. - Let me know when that is due to be enforced; I'll need time to prep my camera and medical kit.  Will do my best to pack the completely useless 'machine that goes BING!' for the poor saps willing to pull it off in South Boston.

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#9 Mon 07 May 07 5:38pm

mutiny

Member
From Melbourne
Member since Mon 30 Apr 07

Re: Notice of Revocation of Independence

thought i'd let you know... baseball is played by Japan and Australia (both of which (particularly Japan) are quite good at it. Also, American Football is played in other counties other than the USA(here in aust. for instance).

Also, rugby is a bit different. When a guy lifts another guy in the air like a fairy to catch a ball - it seems a little more feminine than smashing into each other as hard as u can... (the same reason i dont like australian football - its too sissy).

Also, warm, flat beer is sh*t.

Apart from that, nothing else much stood out as arguable. Oh, one more thing, why would you want people to pay more for fuel when you could have just said "we will adopt your prices"? Thats like saying, we have to look like we've been beaten with the ugly stick, so you will too. Just doesnt make sense.

anyways, hehehe.

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#10 Mon 07 May 07 6:19pm

ANN

Forum champ
From North Carolina
Member since Thu 15 Jul 04

Re: Notice of Revocation of Independence

Abdullah,  You have way too much time on your hands. big_smile

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